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There was something I was supposed to do. Something big, so big that even the universe was guiding me in that direction using my cards (like really blunt, point blank period kind of way), music, changing my environment, making it very uncomfortable to be where I was. It was a very, very, strong pull. I just couldn't make it work. No matter what I did. And what happened was, I got in my own way. I had literally slipped off my path, lost my way, and have been wallowing, stagnant, for most of the year. I just, in my head, I couldn't make it work.
Trying to make it back on track, I liken it to a long train trying to get rolling again. I was split in two for such a long time. It was horrendous, heart breaking and lonely. A whole half of me was not in the here and now, and I am not whole still.
I think for me to be whole again is going to be a long road down "self" lane. The whole, "Who am I?" trip.
Then to compound the difficulties is the slow, painful, against my will, transition from mother to who ever is going to be after her. Transitioning from one archetype to another is hard on it's own, but I had been preparing my whole life to be a mother. I remember being as young as 7 thinking about baby names, and at 14 actually looking in baby name books. I always knew I would breastfeed, and this was during a time when bottle feeding was the only way and breastfeeding was not accepted.
Mother is who I am. I don't want to know anything else and I don't know how or where to go from here. More wallowing? I sleep a lot, and yes, I am depressed. These two very large, emotional events, come simultaneously. Sure, why not?
Get this book here
I saw a post on Joanna DeVoe's (The Kickass Witch <3) Facebook page, she was highly recommending this book. I found some free seminar recordings and listened. I bought the book after listening for 20 minutes. I have not gotten the book in the mail yet, it is due in a few days, but what I got from those few minutes of her seminar, it was the coal igniting in the engine of that train. Like I said, I haven't read the book yet, but Caroline Myss (pronounced Mace) teaches us about archetypes.
My definition of archetype is certain, common personalities that make up who you are. In Caroline's seminars she spoke about living with and knowing who or what your archetypes are. For me, she explained what it is I am going through about my transitioning from mother to who ever is next.
I am curious to see who, in me, am I to meet next. I understand that I will go through the mourning of moving past my mother archetype. I trust in the universe, the divines, and myself to make it through this and be better because of it. It is time to let go.
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