We spent the evening with friends. Golden Corral for dinner, and a movie. The night was fine until we got into the theater. We are sitting down and my husband doesn't sit next to me. My friend had to tell him, "Aren't you gonna sit next to your wife?". Once he was seated next to me, he positions himself at the furthest distance he possibly can away from me. I suggest to him that he should move a seat over and he did. My heart broke through the entire movie because I thought I was too fat for him to sit next to me, that he was squished so he had to move down.
I made it through the movie, I made it through the drive home, I made it to my bedroom. All the while with this very uncomfortable lump in my throat. Is the lump from trying to keep from crying? Or is it the crying building up? Either way, the lump was present, through the entire movie all the way home. At one point he tried to touch me and I just shrugged it off. I made it all the way through until I laid down for bed, and the tears came. With the tears, the pain of my broken heart could be felt with it's crushing, sinking feeling.
I cried until I couldn't breath. He tried to comfort me, again I pushed him away. This is a horrible, horrible feeling and I would like that it never happen again. I am thinking that this is the end of my marriage.
After the crying, I was able to speak and tell him what was going on. He laughed at first. He was trying to play a joke on his friend. He was giving me an arm on the chair to put my soda is why he had moved over. Then his tears came at the thought of me sitting through the entire movie with a broken heart. It was all a misunderstanding. We were both happy and relieved. I should've spoken much sooner, but couldn't for the lump in my throat that I would have surely lost control over. This was a horrible moment in time. Horrible. Just, thank goodness for misunderstandings.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Isa
I now know, the full and complete definition of Isa.
The picture above is from wayfarersmark.com
There was something I was supposed to do. Something big, so big that even the universe was guiding me in that direction using my cards (like really blunt, point blank period kind of way), music, changing my environment, making it very uncomfortable to be where I was. It was a very, very, strong pull. I just couldn't make it work. No matter what I did. And what happened was, I got in my own way. I had literally slipped off my path, lost my way, and have been wallowing, stagnant, for most of the year. I just, in my head, I couldn't make it work.
Trying to make it back on track, I liken it to a long train trying to get rolling again. I was split in two for such a long time. It was horrendous, heart breaking and lonely. A whole half of me was not in the here and now, and I am not whole still.
I think for me to be whole again is going to be a long road down "self" lane. The whole, "Who am I?" trip.
Then to compound the difficulties is the slow, painful, against my will, transition from mother to who ever is going to be after her. Transitioning from one archetype to another is hard on it's own, but I had been preparing my whole life to be a mother. I remember being as young as 7 thinking about baby names, and at 14 actually looking in baby name books. I always knew I would breastfeed, and this was during a time when bottle feeding was the only way and breastfeeding was not accepted.
Mother is who I am. I don't want to know anything else and I don't know how or where to go from here. More wallowing? I sleep a lot, and yes, I am depressed. These two very large, emotional events, come simultaneously. Sure, why not?
I saw a post on Joanna DeVoe's (The Kickass Witch <3) Facebook page, she was highly recommending this book. I found some free seminar recordings and listened. I bought the book after listening for 20 minutes. I have not gotten the book in the mail yet, it is due in a few days, but what I got from those few minutes of her seminar, it was the coal igniting in the engine of that train. Like I said, I haven't read the book yet, but Caroline Myss (pronounced Mace) teaches us about archetypes.
My definition of archetype is certain, common personalities that make up who you are. In Caroline's seminars she spoke about living with and knowing who or what your archetypes are. For me, she explained what it is I am going through about my transitioning from mother to who ever is next.
I am curious to see who, in me, am I to meet next. I understand that I will go through the mourning of moving past my mother archetype. I trust in the universe, the divines, and myself to make it through this and be better because of it. It is time to let go.
The picture above is from wayfarersmark.com
There was something I was supposed to do. Something big, so big that even the universe was guiding me in that direction using my cards (like really blunt, point blank period kind of way), music, changing my environment, making it very uncomfortable to be where I was. It was a very, very, strong pull. I just couldn't make it work. No matter what I did. And what happened was, I got in my own way. I had literally slipped off my path, lost my way, and have been wallowing, stagnant, for most of the year. I just, in my head, I couldn't make it work.
Trying to make it back on track, I liken it to a long train trying to get rolling again. I was split in two for such a long time. It was horrendous, heart breaking and lonely. A whole half of me was not in the here and now, and I am not whole still.
I think for me to be whole again is going to be a long road down "self" lane. The whole, "Who am I?" trip.
Then to compound the difficulties is the slow, painful, against my will, transition from mother to who ever is going to be after her. Transitioning from one archetype to another is hard on it's own, but I had been preparing my whole life to be a mother. I remember being as young as 7 thinking about baby names, and at 14 actually looking in baby name books. I always knew I would breastfeed, and this was during a time when bottle feeding was the only way and breastfeeding was not accepted.
Mother is who I am. I don't want to know anything else and I don't know how or where to go from here. More wallowing? I sleep a lot, and yes, I am depressed. These two very large, emotional events, come simultaneously. Sure, why not?
Get this book here
I saw a post on Joanna DeVoe's (The Kickass Witch <3) Facebook page, she was highly recommending this book. I found some free seminar recordings and listened. I bought the book after listening for 20 minutes. I have not gotten the book in the mail yet, it is due in a few days, but what I got from those few minutes of her seminar, it was the coal igniting in the engine of that train. Like I said, I haven't read the book yet, but Caroline Myss (pronounced Mace) teaches us about archetypes.
My definition of archetype is certain, common personalities that make up who you are. In Caroline's seminars she spoke about living with and knowing who or what your archetypes are. For me, she explained what it is I am going through about my transitioning from mother to who ever is next.
I am curious to see who, in me, am I to meet next. I understand that I will go through the mourning of moving past my mother archetype. I trust in the universe, the divines, and myself to make it through this and be better because of it. It is time to let go.
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